When I was younger I didn’t have a normal life, what people class as normal I guess. So as I grew up I wanted to have that life, be the wife, be the mum, have the house and the family. And I got it. But now I don’t know how to enjoy it.
Six and a half years of marriage, a four year old girl and a one year old boy later and I’m down in the dumps alot of the time.
There has never been a female take the role I have taken before. What an achievement. But is that because the rest of the female population had the foresight to see it’s not a mother’s job?
It’s a stressful role, a role in a manufacturing environment where in a one hundred strong team that all look to me as their leader I am one of two women.
There is a pressure to perform. To drive results. When I speak to long standing leaders in the business about how I feel their first question is always “what do the results look like?”.
Add to that pressure two children and a husband. My brain is never turned off. All I want to do is hear nothing. But at the moment if it’s not the banging of bolts over and over it’s the cry of a four year who is not achieving what ever demands she is requesting at that time.
We wanted to get away camping this weekend. A rare weekend I am not working on a Saturday so could enjoy the long weekend but sadly our baby boy is not well. After a trip to out of hours yesterday we are told he has an ear and a throat infection.
So I feel trapped. Trapped in a house I dreamt my entire childhood I would own. With a family I wished I could have been a part of. Maybe I am ungrateful. Maybe I can’t see what I’ve got in front of me. I don’t know what it is.
I find enjoying myself a difficulty, the sun is shining. My little girl wants to do nothing more than sit cuddled up to her mum on the bench at the end of a garden we spent hours achieving. And all I do is get wound up!
Someone just needs to give me a good slap and say wake up girl and see what you have. A gorgeous family, a lovely home, a fantastic job and a husband who adores you. Just enjoy life. And stop comparing yourself to people on Instagram you daft cow!
**For information, after writing this moany blog post I did give myself a slap and enjoyed doing 2 jigsaws with my girl and cheered the heck up!**