I have really wanted to write about this topic for a long time but part of me is slightly embarrassed, slightly nervous also, of how it may make me feel. Without turning my blog into negativity every time I write, I wanted this blog to be about me and sadly this is something that is so deeply engrained into me it is very much part of me.
I recently gave birth to my little boy, my absolute gem. When I say recently I mean a whole three months ago! It still feels like it is yesterday but I think that may be because my hormones are still yet to calm down. Probably why I am making the crazy decision to write something so raw. Since having him I have felt like a piece of me is missing, not just losing my bump to a baby who now spends more and more time asleep away from me, but a person who should really be in my life. I look around me and everyone I am close to has them. Has the person who would do anything for them, go anywhere for them at any time for anything. But mine is not here.
I am talking about my mum. If she is reading this she would probably tell you it was my doing, which it kind of is, she is still on this planet but she is not in my life. When you have a baby you need people around you to look after you while you look after your new born and don’t get me wrong my husband (I am sure I have said it before) is amazing at looking after me. But there is something that makes me crave a mum. I don’t even necessarily think it is my mum most of the time but just a mum around.
My mother in law is fantastic, she has always been there if we need her. Take yesterday when we had a gas leak happen over night I needed somewhere to take the children so I could make some lunch while the gas was turned off and I knew I would be able to go to her house and that Cordelia would be comfortable. My step mum is also great, at the weekend when she came for the big birthday party she just made herself feel at home in my house, took over looking after both the children without me asking, she is homely. What’s the problem then, right? These people are not my mother, they are other people’s mothers they belong to others, their hearts are connected to others and their love is for other people. I want my own mum. Is that bratty behaviour?
I don’t think so, surely everyone deserves a mother. A person who loves you unconditionally. Someone who will do anything you need them to do at the drop of a hat. I have already talked about Cordelia’s birthday party but it is a classic example of what I miss and crave from the hole created by a mum. We got home from a mega long drive and the last thing I wanted to do was go shopping for all the food for Cordy’s party, I imagine a mum would step in and do that job. The next day when I thought the top of my head was going to explode, from the stress of party organising, I felt such a hollow feeling in my stomach thinking if I had a mum in my life who I could rely on she would be here helping me, taking over the buttering or just holding my baby boy to soothe him while I did what I needed to do.
I have been carrying a pain inside me for a few weeks now, well for the last twenty something years really. I lived with my mum for a while after I was born and at about age four I went to live with my Nanna and Granddad. Honestly I think it was probably for the best and I have some of my greatest memories from that time in my life, until at age eleven I lost my Grandad. It was hard. One of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with, I was so close to him. He was my idol, he may as well have been my dad at that time in my life and my eleven year old self could not cope. I left the loving home I had been growing up in with my Nanna and Sister and went to live with my Mum. At that time she had not long married my Step Dad and had my little Brother only a year before. In the time that followed that until I was 16 life was not particularly nice. I had made my bed though by leaving my Nanna and I didn’t think I could go back. I wanted to be normal to live in a home with a mum and dad. I was probably craving then what I am now and I probably wasn’t getting it then either.
After I had found out I was having my little girl I let my mum come back into my life. I had the same feeling then that I have now, I craved her. I felt it was an opportunity for me to forgive. They say that children can sometimes have that effect on relationships. I wanted my mum when I went into hospital after my waters breaking early and miraculously she appeared. She rose to the challenge in a way I had never seen before. She brought food (even home cooked at times), clothes, maternity items I would never have known I needed like disposable pants and mattress sized pads! But most of all she brought me her love and affection. Just her being there was enough, she could have come empty handed it would not have mattered to me I just wanted my mum. She came to see me after I had given birth she met my daughter and in fact held her before anyone else got to. It was lovely.
But it was all short lived. Day three of being a mum myself and for those of you who have had babies will know you hit an emotional period where you just want to cry all day long. I hit mine just as my mum decided to go back to her old ways. She said she was going to come in and see us and low and behold there was no sign of her. When you are in hospital after giving birth it can feel a bit like prison, bland food brought to your room, lonely nights on an unfamiliar mattress and visitors at specific times in the day. The last thing you really need is someone saying they are going to come and they never do. This wasn’t to be the first time I was in hospital with my girl that she would say she was coming and never did and sadly I can’t forgive her for that. I can’t have a person in our lives who lets us down. When I say us, I am more than used to being let down by her but I can not let myself allow another human to let my daughter and now my son down.
It hurts me to think that she won’t know my children. She didn’t even know I was pregnant with my baby boy but I did it to protect myself and my family I’m creating. That doesn’t make it any easier. I do imagine her being upset about them, how she doesn’t see either of them and potentially never will but this time she has made her bed. When I had Cordy I felt an overwhelming love for her and I have done every day since, I would give her the world. Don’t get me wrong there are times she can test me but I would move heaven and earth for her. The same for my boy. This is why I can’t understand what happened with my mum. I know I have found having two children hard at times, maybe she couldn’t cope and I get that but she has had a million chances to fix it and she hasn’t.
So I live my life every day with a hole in it. I look on enviously as people around me enjoy their mum’s and the love they wrap around them. I soak up the snippets of motherly time I have with the mum’s I borrow from time to time. And I love my children with every bit of me the best I know I can.